Entertainment Report Issue #21 EXTRA: 2013 Razzie Awards

Written by Kyle Palkowski
www.agonybooth.com

December 21, 2012 has come and gone, and we're still here. For some of us, it is a time to cherish what we have, to appreciate what would have ended had the apocalypse occurred. For another few, it's a time to figure out what to do about the credit card bills you racked up thinking 2012 was going to happen. For the ones like me who have no life other than their DVD and Blu-Ray collections and the local movie house, it's time to look at the Oscars and the schmaltz that gets nominated (I'm on team Lincoln). For the group who enjoy the worst of the worst... the Razzies are here to pay homage to the mediocre films that clogged up the multiplexes last year, films with emotionally manipulative vampires, borderline-rapist pedophile werewolves, Teletubby wannabes, cross-dressing black men, and a silent Eddie Murphy.

For this article to have any credibility, imagine for a moment that you live in a world where Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part II will NOT sweep this year's wards. That said, let's get to it.

Worst Picture

• Battleship
• The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure
• That's My Boy
• A Thousand Words
• The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2

Okay. Battleship really has no place on this list. It's a dumb action movie, never intended to be anything more than that, and succeeded. The Oogieloves would be my pick if it wasn't meant to be harmless kid's fare. I haven't seen That's My Boy, and don't ever intend to. We ALL know about Twilight. However, A Thousand Words deserves it: it wastes a good plot of a man learning to choose his words the hard way by giving it to a man who gets nearly all of his laughs in films USING words. Making him silent just cripples him.

Worst Actor

• Nicolas Cage (Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, Seeking Justice)
• Eddie Murphy (A Thousand Words)
• Robert Pattinson (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2)
• Tyler Perry (Alex Cross, Tyler Perry's Good Deeds)
• Adam Sandler (That's My Boy)

Nicolas Cage makes any movie with him in it watchable (The Wicker Man, anyone?). Robert Pattinson actually HAS talent. Tyler Perry is too easy a target, as is Adam Sandler (who actually does wonderful in dramatic roles, just take a look at Reign Over Me). Eddie Murphy deserves it for not only willingly giving up the one thing that makes him funny, but for doing a piss-poor job at trying something new.

Worst Actress

• Katherine Heigl (One for the Money)
• Milla Jovovich (Resident Evil: Retribution)
• Tyler Perry as Madea (Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection)
• Kristen Stewart (Snow White and the Huntsman, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2)
• Barbra Streisand (The Guilt Trip)

No long-winded process of elimination here: Kristen Stewart, for the same bland, shitty personality-less performance in two equally shitty movies (one in which she cheated on her husband with, no less!).

Worst Supporting Actor

• David Hassellhoff as himself (Piranha 3DD)
• Taylor Lautner (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2)
• Liam Neeson (Battleship, Wrath of the Titans)
• Nick Swardson (That's My Boy)
• Vanilla Ice as himself (That's My Boy)

Why in the hell is Liam Neeson on here? Why? His performances were not bad in the least. Moreso, Vanilla Ice is nominated for a freaking cameo (hardly a SUPPORTING role), and I can't really talk smack about him (he gave us "Ninja Rap," and we are eternally grateful). Same logic applies to Hassellhoff, doubly so considering Piranha 3DD had no aspirations of being anything but a cheesy B-movie. Having not seen That's My Boy, I must pick Taylor Lautner, (either a FTM Kristen Stewart or a living cardboard cutout). Washboard abs and frequent shirtlessness DOES NOT cover up the ability to be outacted by the cast of a kindergarten play).

Worst Supporting Actress

• Jessica Biel (Playing for Keeps, Total Recall)
• Brooklyn Decker (Battleship, What to Expect When You're Expecting)
• Ashley Greene (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2)
• Jennifer Lopez (What to Expect When You're Expecting)
• Rihanna (Battleship)

When you're outacted by a swimsuit model, you're better off sticking to your music career.

Worst Screen Couple

• Any two cast members from Jersey Shore (The Three Stooges)
• Mackenzie Foy and Taylor Lautner (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2)
• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2)
• Tyler Perry and his drag getup (Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection)
• Adam Sandler and either Leighton Meester, Andy Samberg, and Susan Sarandon (That's My Boy)

Hmm... charisma-less couple with heavy overtones of pedophillia? Taylor Lautner, Mackenzie Foy... COME ON DOOOOWWWNNNNN!!!!

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel

• Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
• Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection
• Piranha 3DD
• Red Dawn
• The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2

I pose a question to you world: did you REALLY want another Madea movie? I rest my case.

Worst Director

• Sean Anders (That's My Boy
• Peter Berg (Battleship)
• Bill Condon (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2)
• Tyler Perry (Tyler Perry's Good Deeds, Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection)
• John Putch (Atlas Shrugged: Part II)

Every director but one on this list has made at least one good movie. Anders made Sex Drive, Berg has several including Very Bad Things and Friday Night Lights, Condon has Gods and Monsters, and Putch has A Time to Remember. What does Tyler Perry have? The same damn movie made numerous times, and that original movie wasn't that good to begin with.

Worst Screenplay

• Atlas Shrugged: Part II (screenplay by Duke Sandefur and Brian Patrick O'Toole and Duncan Scott, based on the novel by Ayn Rand)
• Battleship (written by Jon & Erich Hoeber, based on the Hasbro boardgame)
• That's My Boy (written by David Caspe, uncredited rewrites by Adam Sandler, Tim Herlihy, Robert Smigel, David Wain, and Ken Marino)
• A Thousand Words (written by Steve Koren)
• The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2 (screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg and Stephenie Meyer, based on the novel by Stephenie Meyer)

IT'S A TIE! either the screenplay for a sequel nobody wanted based on a wretched book that says selfishness is good and generosity is unnecessary, or a screenplay based on another wretched novel in a series that sets female rights back about a hundred years and made vampires and werewolves laughingstocks.

Worst Screen Ensemble

• Battleship
• Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection
• The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure
• That's My Boy
• The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2

The Oogieloves deserves the award for the sheer amount of wasted star power: Christopher Lloyd, Cloris Leachman, Cary Elwes, Chazz Palmenteri, Jaime Pressly and Toni Braxton. Pitiful.